love…. with ferocity and abandon

When I woke up on Wednesday morning, it was 4:00 am, Jeremiah was calling for me… I never went back to sleep (although Jeremiah did!). About 5:30 am, by God’s providence, the following story was staring me in the face:

http://www.abort73.com/testimony/1816/

When I read this it reawakened all my grief in a flood of tears… that sent me reeling all day long. I felt like I was struggling just to breathe. I wanted Tirzah, and I wanted this baby (who died 2 days before Tirzah’s actual death)… I’m thankful that they’re together in heaven and that they know so much joy. so. much. But it still hurts to not have them here.

This is the short synopsis of the story I read: a young girl, at age 17 became pregnant… and was excited to have a baby. She made lists of everything she needed. She started a journal of letters to the baby. Her boyfriend simply ignored the pregnancy until she was 21 weeks… then he demanded an abortion, or else he would never having anything to do with her again. She was manipulated and coerced. At the same time I assert this, I am not claiming her innocence before God. But I AM looking at the full story.

In her words there is a story of heartache and grief… I am convinced that her grief must be similar to my own. Except she wanted foot prints and hand prints and didn’t get any… She begged the nurses…

She didn’t get flowers, meals, and cards, and necklaces… But she lost her baby too.

Before the abortion, she didn’t know what it would be like… there was an insidious lie… now she knows. And now there’s no way for her to grieve the way she needs to. She is silenced by the guilt, and the shame… but she wants her baby back, just like I want Tirzah back.

I now believe that post-abortive women are truly a category that is unseen, unheard (or just avoided)… despised from both sides… and while everyone is busy arguing right vs. wrong, this woman’s pain is *missed*.

Her pain is too messy and the horror too striking to sit in it for very long. So she sits alone. Or turns to addiction in one form or another… to be her companion… and sit with her.

So now I have deep compassion for women like this one… I want to have open arms for women like this, because Jesus has open arms… “Come to me, ALL who are weary, and heavy laden, and I will give you *rest*”… His forgiveness is offered to all, and gives true rest.

He gives rest, because He took our guilt AND our shame to the cross, and it was nailed there… and once we accept that free gift, God will never bring those things against us, EVER.

I understand that there are looming questions: How does God fit into the death of a baby? Either by still birth, or abortion… and how could God allow babies to be formed with deformities and disabilities? How can He *exist* and be *good* and *all powerful* and these things happen??

Belief in God clearly influences perspective on abortion, because if there IS a God, he designed even the babies with deformities, loves them eternally,  gave them an eternal soul, and has a plan for their lives… no matter how short, just like I believe and experience for Tirzah, though I don’t understand the fullness of how plan… but how do I know she didn’t have some deformity? Tests didn’t show anything, but we don’t know why she died. And I’m still so thankful for her life and to be her mother. I cannot imagine any mother of a baby born with anencephaly saying that she wished she had aborted at 20 weeks… Each one will say that their baby was a *gift* and they are *so thankful* for the short time they had with their baby.

The God I believe in says he has chosen the weak and despised things of the world for His own… That’s *me*, and that’s *each of these babies*… each of the aborted babies is an eternal soul that God has chosen for His Kingdom. I truly believe that is in large part how God is fulfilling his promise to Abraham to have a people in number the same as the “sands on the sea shore”, and a people from “every tongue, tribe and nation”… through the eternal souls of babies miscarried, aborted, still born, and infant deaths. And each of these has a soul that is just as valid as mine. It feels like a mystery to imagine how that can be true because we feel our soul so connected with our conscious thought that results from a fully developed brain. But I believe it is true, and there is a mystery to it… like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly… and will one day be unveiled.

But back to the story of that Wednesday… God used this girl’s story and my unspeakable pain to give me a passion for ministering to post-abortive women. I’m not sure how yet or when… but I’m seeking the Lord… It’s my desire and heart to step into the messiness of women’s lives and offer real help… too often people offer “prayer” as a substitute for tangible help (and I’m NOT discounting prayer, but only when it’s used as an excuse for inaction)… In James 2 it says “if a brother or sister is poorly clothed or lacking in daily food {or has an unplanned pregnancy??}, and one of you says to him, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that??”

Here is the paradox: as I lay curled up on the floor, weeping, begging God to take me… He answered No. And He gave me a passion for living in proportion to my desire to die {I need to insert here: *in that moment*, I AM NOT suicidal!!}… Prior to this day, I could read Paul’s words in the book of Philippians and agree in my mind, but this was the first time I had this very same experience, and could honestly say that these words are from my own heart:

to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.  I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.  But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus,…  striving side by side for the faith of the gospel,  and not frightened in anything by your opponents… For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake. ”

~ Philippians 1:20-29

I pray that this experience will produce a great and lasting boldness for the truth of the Gospel of God’s grace through Jesus Christ… and that I will not be hindered by such things as mere awkwardness or men’s approval… because when I’d truly rather be with Jesus… and Tirzah… really, who cares??  As Isaiah 22:2 says, Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he??

So the kingdom and power of Darkness here on earth ought to tremble, because as long as the Lord gives me breath and life on this earth, I plan to attack the realms of evil with a ferocity and such an abandon, as if I have nothing to loose.

A story of redemption ~ by “Anonymous” (I am so honored to share!)

1 John 1:9 ~ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Think about that one… If we confess our sins, he forgives… Wow! What an amazing GOD we have to be able to take the pain and unrighteousness away!

Many years ago, I was that young lady walking into Planned Parenthood… Yep, I said it. That was me–––I was that girl. I walked into a place that I thought was a woman’s health care center. I was taught that it is the place you go in order to stay healthy, you get your physicals there, birth control, all of it, and since I was low-income with no insurance that’s what was recommend for me.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant. The shock, the horror and the tiny piece inside of me that was ecstatic. My mother, wanted me to go get tested so she took me to Planned Parenthood and it was confirmed. Soon I was in a separate room with the doctor, who right away asked me if I wanted to abort and she felt that was the best situation for me. I was given a week to decide.

AFor one whole week, I pondered. When you have the media, schools, clinics, family, and friends telling you that it is all right, that it is your choice and that you have that right as a woman. You believe it. You have nothing else to back it up. Even the little voice that says it’s not okay is hidden behind the woman’s rights. So, I did it…

I said goodbye to a part of me that I was told wasn’t even alive, that it was just tissue. I remember the pain, the tears, the cramping. Blood, so much blood for weeks. I remember the loss and it became so unbearable that suicide was the next best thing. I remember sitting there on the porch with three pill bottles of pain meds, writing in my journal of all MY pain–––then I’d take another pill, and another one, and another one until they were all gone and sleep came. But what I really wanted was peace and forgiveness!

I woke up the next day. I woke up. Yes, with the worst hangover of my life but I woke up. My heart, even though it hurt, along with my head, and of course my body from being crouched like I was, it was beating. I knew then that GOD had plans that I couldn’t even begin to understand. I asked for forgiveness to a GOD that I knew had to be real.

Isaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

God healed me. And now looking back, I know I had more options. I know that I could have saved my baby and given him or her to a glorious couple. But without morals, without god, who can sin? If you don’t know god and you’re taught that it is okay or you’re pressured into it you don’t realize what your doing is actually wrong because everybody tells you how right it is. That is my point… I have learned through GOD, Yahweh that I have no rights to this body that which he gave me a vessel, and my body is for Him. I don’t have that right to pick and choose what life is to live and what is to die. That is his right alone. I know that He has forgiven me, and He has so much love that it burst out of my pores. I ask of you, if you have ever made that horrible choice- to abort your baby, ask God for forgiveness… and forgive others. I have received forgiveness from my Heavenly Father, as well as forgiven myself, and those around me. I also, forgive you too.
Matthew writes, for if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. –––So I have.
He’s always waiting, wanting, to be part of your life. Allow yourself peace.

I’ll part with this…

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come!

God has cleansed my spirit. Has forgiven my sins and will always continue to hold me in his arms. I am thankful that I have Him in my life. If you are… someone like me, know…you are not alone. If you need too… reach out to Catherine who has wonderful healing words. May GOD bless you and give you the courage to speak out.

~Anonymous

For post-abortive support check out: http://www.healinghearts.org/