The End of Running (9/20/14)

I decided to get away this weekend, and went to a women’s conference hosted by my wonderful friend, Esme. When I walked into the church building, I immediately saw a woman holding a tiny newborn baby girl. All I can say is it took my breath away- literally, for a moment, it was all I could do to keep from just weeping right there…. God brought me to this place to show me that I’ve been running- by distraction after distraction: dreams of a new baby, planning activities with Jeremiah, reading about other peoples stories- I think I’m just learning how deep my grief is. Tirzah has changed my life and *who* I am forever. When Jeremiah was born, I easily recognized the profound impact. From the moment I heard him cry I simply felt that nothing in life before him mattered. Tirzah’s birth was just as profound on my heart, although there was no cry heard. Perhaps a piece of me died with her- is there waiting with her… on the other hand, there is a new clarity of life- every experience- everything I read, every song, every face- has a new depth of meaning: grief, longing, joy, gratitude. Before this, life was passing in a kind of subdued, kind of thoughtless way, taking things for granted. Now when I sing of the goodness of God, there is a striking depth to my understanding of that. Now I *know*- not just in my head, but in my heart, how creation *groans* in eager expectation of the coming redemption. And now I *know* that when I don’t even know what to pray, there are groanings too deep for words.

Tirzah IS my daughter. I have two children. And sometimes it doesn’t feel real, because I didn’t get to know her or bond with her. I only held her body, while her soul was away with the Lord. I feel that it’s a new experience of the “already and not-yet” of God’s Kingdom. She IS my daughter, but the bond, the *knowing* is left waiting. And hope is hard. In hope there is waiting, and longing so much it hurts, and the groanings too deep for words. I want to stop running, stop living in distraction. I want to be *still* before the Lord and simply wait although it comes with pain.

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Beautiful Mosaic

“You are the only you this world will ever know, and something about your life is meant to make something about God known in a way no one else can do.” ~ Dan Allender “The Healing Path”
This is my prayer for Tirzah’s life. And my own.
“A radical life begins with the premise that I exist for God and his purposes, not my own… A radical life has eyes and ears for the deepest purposes of God.” – D.B Allender
That’s why I submit to God’s purposes for Tirzah, they are different than what my dreams for her were…. and so much higher. And one day I’ll fully understand. And I’ll see with clarity the beauty of her life.
“When God looks at a painful or wicked event through His-wide angle lens {as opposed to His narrow-angle lens, where He sees just the pure tragedy}, He sees the tragedy of the [event] and everything leading up to it, and everything flowing from it. He sees it in relation to all the connections and effects that form a pattern, or mosaic, stretching into eternity. This mosaic in all it’s parts brings Him delight….. He has designed from all eternity, and is infallibly forming every event, a magnificent mosaic of redemptive history. ” ~ John Piper, “Desiring God”

I know that Tirzah is a beautiful piece in this mosaic of redemption.

 

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Dear Tirzah

This is the place where I post little notes to my daughter, Tirzah Catherine, still born on August 20, 2014. Feel free to send her your love too in the comments section! She’d love to hear from you too!

9/22/14

Sweet little Tirzah, I am so proud of you, my beautiful girl. Everyone loves to see your pictures, and thinks you’re beautiful too! I’m so proud that your life is touching so many people’s hearts, and of course you’re always in your Mommy’s heart. You’ve changed my life too, and I just keep hoping that you’re proud of your Mommy, and that I can continue making God’s goodness and grace known. I know that when I’m nearest to God is when I’m nearest to you as well. And I know that you were smiling down on Jeremiah and I while we were out by the river today, enjoying the sun sparkling on the river, and I know that you’re proud of your big brother and you were laughing with us as he ran and jumped, and I clapped: “What a jump! What a landing! You’re amazing!” And I know he’s so happy to be your big brother, and you’re always in his heart too! And when he picked out your little sweater with bright flowers, and your prettiest rose dress, he knew you were going to be so beautiful too, and some day he’ll understand that you’re more beautiful now than we can imagine! Love you so much my little sweet princess. I’ll see you soon, and miss you until then. Love and kisses from your Mommy xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

9/21/14:

Hi Baby girl, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and miss you. And tell you that your Daddy loves and misses you so much too… you’re his most beautiful little princess and we’re both so proud of you… I know you’re up there enjoying the beauty and sunlight- except there is no sun, just the brightness and light of the Lord, and I want you to just bask in Him and dance and twirl in His light…. and I know you are singing His praise with the most beautiful voice, like I’ve never heard. And I can’t wait to be there and sing and twirl with you too! I love you so much, and your Daddy loves you and can’t wait to hold you in his arms again soon!!!!! ***So much love and kisses and hugs from your Mommy and Daddy too, and Jeremiah sends kisses as well****

9/20/14:

Happy one month birthday, Tirzah, my sweet beautiful baby girl! I love you so much and I’m so proud of you and miss you like crazy. I know you’re experiencing delight and joy beyond what I can imagine. And I’m so happy for you. I know you’re walking in the gardens of Heaven with Jesus and with Monroe Faith too, and my grandma and her babies, and I wish I was there with you too, seeing what you’re seeing, and holding your hand. But you’re in my heart always, and I want you to have a wonderful one month birthday! Love you soooooooooooooo much! And so many *kisses* from your Mommy!IMG_3389