the one whom my soul loves

I love to plan ahead and think about all that a new year might hold.

And to think that I was in this very place just one year ago, not knowing what 2014 would hold.

My word for the year was “Broken.”

Of course now, looking back, that was prophetic.

Not just Tirzah’s death- that was the climax. But everything leading up. Every ground that I thought I stood on threatened to shatter. And i found that I stood on Christ Jesus my Lord alone. And all these prior chapters in the story prepared me- BY FIRE- for the tragic death of Tirzah, my first born daughter.

He knew what i needed in preparation- in order to look to Him immediately, and to Him alone- as my rock, when all around me was quicksand.

And i’ve learned that the goal of life is not to escape pain- *this* is where God is near, and precious, and He does refining work.

And I see that it is NOT the goal of parenting or my hope for Jeremiah- to prevent all suffering in his life- although I am just beginning to realize that whole new lever of suffering, which is a mother watching her child suffer. But Jeremiah *will* suffer and will be wounded in this life (at times even *because* he has *me* for a mother). But God will work redemption in his life, as He has done in mine, through pain, death and suffering. And it will only be a gift of the Spirit to give me this kind of faith.

And so 2014 holds it’s own story of death, resurrection and ascension.

I pray that 2015 will be full of ascension power. Spirit power. As I remain broken, on my knees before the Lord.

I was touched by the Spirit to tears this Christmas Eve, at Moody Church singing the lines of the Christmas hymn, “before Him lowly bend…”

And struck at how low we must bend to bow before Him, who came so low to us- a baby- born not in a palace (though he was King of kings) but among the refuse of cows and horses.

This must be my posture in 2015. I come to this new year on bended knee before Jesus- my God, my King, my Redeemer…. the “One whom my soul loves”….. my very Life. On bended knee I cling.

My word for 2015 is humble.


Author: CatherineKnight36

First of all, I love Jesus. I am a wife to an amazing man, and mother of three: my 5 year old son Jeremiah, 1 year old son Judah, and my daughter, Tirzah, now 3 years, is waiting for me in the gardens of Heaven. I am also a Veterinarian. The goal of my blog: Creating community around an honest journey through the joy and grief of life. Blog Topics: Child loss and grief; Attachment Theory in Parenting; Mental Heatlh; Christian Theology and Ministry; Veterinary Medicine; and Community Stories.

5 thoughts on “the one whom my soul loves”

  1. Yes, Catherine. It is painful to watch your child go through difficult experiences, especially those that cause pain. I have never been through what you have although my mother, your grandmother, went through sending two of her babies to Jesus. I can only pray for you and continue to do so on a daily basis. You are in God’s hands and He is working a miracle in you! This miracle will continue to develop throughout your life here on earth but a part of it is taking place daily. Love, mom


  2. When I had a cancer crisis several years ago, I relied heavily on Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 46:1-3, Psalm 94:17-19. I recommend these verses to anyone who is going through a crisis or any kind of hard times.


    1. Thank you Uncle Jim, I just read those passages, and yes, are very good. I also like the way Psalm 40 ends: “As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me.”


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